Professor Humperdink III

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12.1.13

Discussing America


Kaiser Wilhelm II, shooting record


We will be heading to America soon and I remind everybody that we are invidiously behind schedule and don’t have a second to lose, however, as we happen to be passing a bar, we call in for a swift half and to discuss what weapons we should take with us.

After five or six rounds of beer and Scotch, George makes the observation that, because of their gun laws, America is the laughing stock of the entire planet, which is odd because it isn’t wildly funny. But Juan, who is a walking arsenal, thinks that being heavily armed against a tyrannical government and dangerous neighbours is very good idea. To be fair, Juan doesn’t think that the massacres which are popular pastime amongst the Americans are a good thing because, he says, killing innocent men, women and children is unsportsmanlike, but he has to respect the fact that Americans always uphold the rights of people to kill anything and anybody they want, even if it might occasionally be illegal, and they all enjoy slaughtering tens of millions of innocent, unarmed, animals, who can’t fight back, which might be cowardly and insane, but it is not illegal and it is a lot of fun and fun is what sport is all about, so Americans can’t be all bad.

I point out that this is not absolutely true because it isn’t only Americans who like killing animals for fun, consider Albert’s fellow countrymen, the Germans, even well known ones like the Kaiser, who, unlike Americans, aren’t known for their fearful cowardice, and are the least fun-loving people in the world, enjoy killing animals for pleasure.

Albert agrees but tells us that, unlike Germans, Americans are taught from an early age to be terrified of each other, which is sensible, as Americans with guns are very scary, and they have to bear arms to protect themselves against everyone else who is carrying weapons, which is everybody, but, he points out, the American government has a large amount of very powerful weapons, including large bombs so, to create a level playing field, or to level a city, Albert thinks that every American citizen should have access to fantastically destructive weaponry, just to be on the safe side, and as Albert, in his spare time, has designed an incredibly powerful bomb, he thinks that he will be able to sell a lot of them in America. I tell Albert that it is a good plan as, if you are going to sell weapons to people, it is a good idea to find people who are scared witless of their neighbours, who fear everybody else in the world and loath their own government; America is the certainly the place for all that, so he should do very well.

Fatty says he isn’t interested in weapons but he is looking forward to going to America where everybody is selfish and greedy, eat like pigs and are grossly overweight, so he will be in good company. Juan says that he is very interested in weapons but he is looking forward to going to America because American women, even if they are armed up to the eyeballs, are the most beautiful women in the world, and that’s the important thing. None of us can disagree with that, so, ordering more Vintage Inchgower, Blair Athol, Glen Elgin, and Tobermory Private Reserve, we raise our glasses and drink to the beauty of American women and offer toast after toast to liberty, freedom and the American way of life until we fall off our stools and crawl around in little circles, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary