Professor Humperdink III

Easy Reading

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Pingle minus one, this is a useful sum,
This is how high your numbers go.
When you were a baby, maybe pingle was low,
It gets bigger as you grow.
Pingle is a number, one higher than you can count.
It used to be one, when you were very young,
Now it's a huge amount,
You can't ever reach it,
Which is why they don't teach it.
The more numbers you know, the higher it goes,
But what it might be, well, nobody knows.



An otter in the desert would be hotter than a skink,
It would stink.
To de-wax an otter is a sin.
Without any ear-wax the sand can get in.
Ear-wax for an otter is essential.
This is elemental.
Nomads believe they can use it to keep their skin young,
Under the burning desert sun.
They say it would protect them from harm,
Sooth their burning lips,
And softens up the finger-tips.
But otters live on rivers or, sometimes, in a lake,
They're not in the desert, the nomads have made a mistake.
This is a sad lesson they've learned;
Those Nomads, all wrinkled and burned.
They look incredibly old and their skin is like leather.
The weather is hotter than flesh can withstand
And they can't find an otter in this desert land.


Established Policy

'Because we can we do.'
This our company mission.
It is our vision, our ambition,
To progress for you.
But we can't.
We can't, because we won't.
We won't, because we don't.
We don't, because we can't.
We will get away with this because we can.
Because we can, we do.
(And that's our motto too).


It Rhymes

Porange. It means a word that rhymes with orange.
Words that rhyme with purple are too numerous to mention,
But the word that rhymes with 'orange' was my very own invention.
Now, when you are writing a rhyme,
And, at the end of a line, you write 'orange'
Don't get perplexed, it will be a success.
Simply write 'porange.' It seems to rhyme best.


Doesn't Speak

"Dum dum-dum dum dum-dum."
My computer sings a happy song.
It goes "Grrrr-grrrr-grrrr." When it thinks.
It hums "Hummmmmmmmm." And blinks,
To show that it's switched on.
When it crashes it goes "Eeek!"
And doesn't work for a week.


Self Help (for Catherine)

Please take a look at Catherine's new book.
We should all read it; most people need it.
Assisting too many people to mention
She has taken self-help into a new dimension.
Entitled 'Help Catherine', she explains a great truth,
(And it's shattering),
That we all need someone to help,
And it's Catherine!


Don't Ask

When people ask me who I am,
I say I am a buttered yam.
When people ask me what I did,
I bang myself with a dust-bin lid.
When I'm asked how it was,
I put my head in custard.
This is because I don't know -
I get flustered.


Small Pleasure

It got on your chair, in your hair,
Sticky and runny, you thought it was funny,
It got on your sheets, on your feet,
On your head, in your bed.
It went everywhere.
When you were small
And happiness was honey.
Now, happiness is money,
It's very hard to keep.
It simply will not spread at all,
And doesn't taste as sweet.


Don't Knock It

Being a grandfather is excellent. Today is my grandson's birthday. He ran up to me carrying a box. "Grandad, can you adjust the lax?" He held the box up, a new toy, a birthday present. "It won't work unless you adjust the lax." He said. He handed me a booklet, "These are the instructions." I took it from him, took my glasses out from my pocket then, peering amongst confusing, complex diagrams, I found what I thought was the correct page. With difficulty, I read the tiny instructions.
To adjust the lax:
If the fib-yib is aved to the tarn, fib-yib the jellup.
(Note 1.) The jellup is aved to the fonx, this releases the finglup to be twisted, making way for the chumptun when, attached to a postered gop-gop, will bux the lax.
The gop-gop is postered with the fib-yib. (Note 2.). The prifing must be done under a buxted xoo. Test this by knocking on the side marked a. opposite the section marked Under-Glots, how to fix them, (see Appendix C (advanced instructions, chapter 56)) Please note: Must be ordered together with a receipt for the grizwick and proof of zider, which can be obtained through the V.A.R.C. (xvii.) order form no. 9.2a, (see separate addendum, (note. 105d)).
Wax the lax, twist the finglup then put a chumptun on. IMPORTANT. On no account untwist the finglup, this poteres the gop-gop which aves the tarm to the fib-yib.
Adust the lax for the wax with a buxted xoo this prifes the gop-gop and moves the chumptun which twists the finglup and fonxes the jellup, this adjusts the bux for the lax if the fib-yib is aved to the tarm.

You will require part no. d(L).4500506045650604c56-6. (Not included).
Requires seventeen yL095a batteries (Not included).
I told him to take it to his dad.