Professor Humperdink III

Easy Reading

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Two Zebras

Look at these zebras, quietly grazing,
The camera never lies,
It sees through their disguise.
This is more proof that nature's amazing;
We can hardly believe our eyes.


A Disgrace

Prove your education was a disgrace,
Open your fingers wide.
For every space you have two fingers,
One on either side.
With two fingers to every space,
It's easy to understand,
You have eight fingers on each hand.
This is more than you thought.
You were badly taught.


The Reason

"I always put my sheep on springs, I bounce it when I'm preaching.
This keeps it fit and I think that it assists my holy teaching."
Professor Humperdink announces, falling into a ditch.
"My pet is a head in a bucket,
I take very great care when I chuck it.
I have discovered the reason I itch.
My beard is infested with lizards, they are hard to catch,
This is the reason I scratch.
The climate is changing, the arctic is shrinking,
It is over-heating, we are all sinking.
I originally thought that the tickle came from inside my britches."
Shouts Professor Humperdink, diving into a bog.
But my beard is infested with lizards and this is the reason it itches.
Please tell the readers this, they will be agog."


It Runs Amok

(From the Oxford lecture)

When it's impressed a hen goes cluck.
When it's distressed it runs amok.
So does a duck.
My lecture today addresses this issue.
The fact is this issue is vital.
This vital issue addresses the question we all care about.
As this explains the reason, the reason is explained,
And proves the question answered in my lecture.
I studied in the Congo on an elephant called Bongo,
I don't know what I'm doing here or who you people are.


No Fun

It will not come when I whistle.
When I say "sit" it doesn't do it,
Just stands there, chewing a thistle.
My dog is no fun,
It will not fetch a stick.
To tell you the truth,
It doesn't even go "woof."
I think my pet is sick.


Hamster Hunter

Okay, and I think he might be behind the pillow, I'll just carefully move it to one side and, yes, there he is, now, he's a bit sleepy but he has seen me and he's looking up and around, okay, this is good, he's is sniffing at the air and wriggling his ears, this means he's fully alert, if I can just bring him around a bit I can show you, there, he's standing up and looking around. I feel entirely safe around this animal and if I can just pick him up for you you will see how friendly he is. I have to be careful when picking him up so as not to hurt him. There, isn't he a lovely little creature. Okay, now, this animal normally lives on Skip, an inexpensive variety of hamster food but, occasionally, he will eat a slice of cucumber. See his fur? Wonderful fur. Now, I'll just put him back on the pillow and get my camera. See he is curling up again, he just wants to go back to sleep, he doesn't want any more of this nonsense, but, if I just put the camera up close to his face, there, he's yawning, see? He doesn't have any fangs, these kind of hamsters don't have fangs and they rarely bite so I'm completely safe, that will be a good shot. Okay, I'll let him go back down to where he was sleeping, there's a good boy. Well, that was fantastic, such a beautiful animal, I walked across the living room and I found the hamster I was looking for, picked him up and got some great shots. I will remember this for a long time to come.

(With apologies to Austin Stevens)


A kangaroo goes "boing."
A cow goes "moo", an owl goes "hoo."
A dove goes "coo", but, sad but true,
Nobody knows what a zebra do.
This is quite annoying.


Hungry Wombat

Lucky man, not to the ordinary council,
Will neither sit in the seats where sinners scoff;
Days and nights, he meditates the law.
This is because he is a tree, electric cities of water,
Further, he does not fade in season, nor his fruit or assets.
This has been, expand!
I think that this proves my translation.
Is covered with wild fruit and flowers.
This, to be sure, is not explanation,
In the rain saying hours.
Consider, my friends, what it all means,
Possibly nothing at all,
Some people curse and some people pray.
Some people spit, some people swallow,
I must feed my wombat, he's feeling hollow.
This concludes the reading today.



You will need a large piece of foam and a hose, to keep it cool,
You need a licence as well, and a giraffe-tipping tool.
Don't clumsily lean a giraffe.
Doing it correctly is a delicate craft.
To lean a giraffe at my age? It's not worth the wage!
You're having a laugh, you've upset me.
To incline a giraffe is a moral decision,
It requires precision.
Don't tip it yourself, it's wrong.
It's meant to be high, not long.
How much can it tilt? The weight of its head?
Should extra support be built? Could we use lead?
How much can it lean? Should we use the machine?
On these occasions we use equations:
The speed of the wind, the strength of the rope,
Is it standing on a slope?
It's too hard for my brain and, also, insane,
Don't ask me to tip your giraffe.

We Jumped

One night we saw a puddle
And jumped with both feet.
We got into trouble,
For splashing stars on the street.

Well Done

The first day, your bornday,
Day number one.
That day that you Earthed,
The day that you birthed,
If you had missed it,
You would not have existed.
But you arrived for it, very well done!