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Control room

Call in to see Gary, in the control room. We’re very impressed at all the levers and dials and Mahalath asks him what they do. Gary tells us that this is one of the flow control panels which ensures a continuous supply of malt throughout the ship. He says that today, for example, the kitchens require a large quantity of malt for monkfish, poached in The Macallan, Highland Park trifle and loganberry and Glenmorangie ice cream and, at the same time, the captain requires a steady flow of Glengoyne, the navigators can’t function without a constant stream of Bruichladdich and Marija and the technicians who work in the engine room are in constant need of Glentauchers which they drink to refresh themselves during breaks and rub on themselves as an emollient to sooth their ravaged skin.  So saying, Gary pushes buttons and pulls levers and we can hear the glorious sound of fine single malt gurgling and roaring as it rushes to all points of the ship. I tell Mahalath that, evidently, Juan, had some hand in the design of this vessel and, given that that the captain and crew are guaranteed a constant supply of superb vintage whisky, we should have a very interesting journey. As I say this, as if to prove my point, the ship flips over and starts to spin downwards. The captain comes on to the intercom, singing Comin’ thro’ the Rye, The Lass o’ Gowrie and Logie o’ Buchan. Mahalath, upside down and clinging on to the control panel, looks worried, but Gary tells her not to be concerned as, even inverted, the flow of single malt will continue unimpeded, the captain breaks into a fine rendition of The Campbells are Comin’ and, considering that we are the wrong way up and spinning down to destruction, we join in, with as much enthusiasm as we can muster.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary