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To the wilderness

Realising that Neddy, rather than accompanying me to the Pacific, would be more useful in Europe, I send him back and head on into the wilderness alone. Crossing the wilderness is always a lot of fun and, bumping into Mahalath, one of our top agents, I tell her that I’m Philistinically behind schedule and ask her if she would like to come with me. She shouts at me, saying that, the last time I was here, I caused a riot, I tell her that that was mostly Juan’s fault, but then she reminds me, loudly, that the time before, I set fire to her father’s beard, I tell her that that was an unfortunate accident, but then she yells that, the time before that, I poured some of Juan’s Special Reserve into her village well and everyone went insane and the time before that I taught her camel to stand on its head, which trait it then taught its offspring, who then taught their babies and now Judǽa is littered with camels which can’t travel more than mile without doing somersaults, scattering their loads and injuring their riders, which all but destroyed their distribution systems, brought the country's trade to a virtual standstill and caused poverty throughout the land, so why, by all that’s holy, she asks, would she want to have anything at all to do with me, much less spend any time in my company?  I cannot think of any sensible answer to this but, remembering Juan’s advice about what to do in such situations, I quickly gather some flowers and, presenting them to her, tell her that she’s incredibly beautiful and fantastically intelligent and I can’t carry on without her. 

Juan may be a dangerous lunatic but I have to allow that his knowledge of the women of Nazareth is unparalleled; Mahalath calms down and, to my amazement, on the condition that I at least try and act like a responsible human being, rather than a deranged ape, she agrees to travel a little way with me. To celebrate, we share some of Juan’s Special Reserve then, linking arms, singing filthy Aramaic songs, dancing, giggling and falling around, we stagger into the wilderness, as fast as we possibly can.


Professor Humperdink’s Diary