Looking at Juan’s sketch of a snake, I point out that it doesn’t look anything like a real snake. Juan, glaring at my pictures of camels, shouts that they don’t look like real camels either as, in his view, if doesn’t have a hump, it’s not a camel. I tell him that his own camel, a female Humperdinkus named Maltarina, who, created through Juan’s camel breeding programme to carry whisky, is not a proper camel either, and she has three humps. Juan says this is not the point and that the breeding programme didn’t work out anyway as the extra hump will not store whisky, although, he says, he has discovered that malt, filtered through a camel’s digestive system, although it makes the camel befuddled, becomes exceptionally potent and gains an interesting, tangy, flavour.
I suggest that customers, knowing that the malt has been filtered through the kidneys of a camel, and, considering the taste, might think they were drinking unadulterated camel’s urine, rather than single malt. Juan says that many people, at the first try, think that beer, coffee and cigars taste disgusting but, being essential to life, they quickly adapt and come to enjoy the flavour. He offers me a dram of the filtered malt, and I can see immediately that the effect on the nervous system is so traumatic that the peculiar things that happen to one’s brain compensate for the horrible flavour, this is a sign of good malt and, singing, cheering and shouting with excitement, we stumble on through a malt enhanced landscape, as fast as we possibly can.
Professor Humperdink’s Diary