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28.1.09

Missing Humperdinkadad

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Heading to Humperdinkadad, Juan, looking out of the window, observes that the desert above us appears to be moving very quickly.  I tell him that we are travelling too fast, and upside down and, I remind him, that, when he lands, not only will The Lion be turned into a mangled heap but that we are likely to lose a great deal of our vintage malt.  Looking up at the rapidly approaching landscape, I can’t help but remember that Juan’s hapless inability to fly an airship is only matched by his hopeless inability to land an airship.  However, as the prospect of losing single malt is enough to make a Highlander eat his cromach in distress, to escape the danger of losing any of our precious malt, Juan uses the only method he knows, accelerates, and spins the steering wheel like a maniac, his theory being that, if you spin it the wheel hard enough, and wait long enough, eventually, you will find yourself heading in the right direction, at high speed.  The engines roar, The Lion spins over and over, and we catch a glimpse of Humperdinkadad as we are thrown backwards across the flight deck.  By the time we crawl back and peer through the window, we are over Philadelphia.  I tell Juan that this is irritating but Juan says that Pennsylvanian women are the most beautiful woman in the world and Philadelphian whisky is the most disgusting slop imaginable so, if we happen to crash in Philadelphia, we can share our malt with their women to mutual advantage. 

I remind Juan that we are pullescently behind schedule and that we have to return to Humperdinkadad as I am meant to be instructing recruits in desert survival, but Juan points out that the recruits who find their own way out the Unknown Region by themselves will gain a lot of useful experience in desert survival, without any instruction.  I tell him that, although this is true, recruits who have tried this before tend to undergo terrible hardships and die, where, under my instruction, they would live and travel in ease, comfort and safety.  Juan, who considers luxury to be necessity, agrees that agents who work in hostile environments should not waste their energy or skills on survival as this can be a distraction to the main objective.  However, as we are about to crash on Philadelphia, the discussion seems academic and, quickly raising our glasses to salute the Philadelphians, we throw malt in all directions as we spiral downwards, yelling with excitement and looking forward to having a lot of fun in Philly.


Professor Humperdink’s Diary