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14.2.09

Shell reversal

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Juan says that, because of the time reversal machine, not only are the clocks going backwards, but, if our vintage malt does the same thing, it will become younger and lose its vintagity.  I tell Juan that I don’t think anything much will change because time is probably polarised in one direction, like a spiral, and however you turn it, the spiral always goes the same way.  To demonstrate, I pick up a stone that, in its youth, was a spirally shellfish, then, turning it this way and that, I prove that, however it’s turned, the spiral‘s direction stays the same.  But, when Juan has a go, he turns the stone over and crows, which is startling and unpleasant, and he shows me that the spiral has been reversed.  This is irritating, and I tell him that he has twisted the shellfish through the fourth dimension and reversed it’s polarity, and I’m glad the poor creature passed away millions of years ago and didn’t survive to endure such unpleasantness.  However, we both do realise that this means that our vintage whisky might be losing its vintageness quickly. 

Although what is lost in ripe maturity will be gained in youthful bloom, we don’t hesitate to taste our malt, while it retains the majesty of age, and, knocking back hip flask after hip flask of Speyburn, Allt a Bhainne, Dalwhinnie, Tullibardine and Glenordie, washed down with Juan’s Special Reserve, carousingly behind schedule, singing and dancing and shouting with excitement, we stagger on, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary