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Maggie and Mary

As I can’t find my way back to the bar, I wander around until I bump into someone who can help. Unfortunately, the first people I meet are my elderly step-sisters, Maggie and Mary, two royal pains in the posterior. Maggie, obviously displeased to see me, asks me what I’m doing here. I tell her that I’m looking for the bar, to catch up with Alexandra and Juan. Maggie tuts, in her superior, disapproving, manner and says, “Someone should take that despicable animal away.” For a second, I think that Maggie is talking about Jetsam, Mary’s noxious little dog, then I realise that she is talking about Juan. Mary tells me that Juan is spending a lot of time with Alexandra and, as Alexandra seems to be showing an undue interest in Juan, the whole family is distressed.

Maggie and Mary are interfering old bats who have nothing better to do with their time than worry about things that have nothing to do with them. I tell them that Alexandra is highly respectable and, as one of our top agents, she is fully capable of looking after herself and the family’s reputation will come to no harm. Maggie says that, when they were last seen, Alexandra and Juan were doing the Aberfeldy Jig under the crystal table in the west hall and, to make matters worse, members of the staff were cheering them on. I can see that this kind of behaviour might raise some eyebrows amongst certain, overly conservative, members of the family so, explaining that I have to rush, as I am catastrophically behind schedule, I assure the two old biddies that I would have a word with Juan, then, leaving them a case of Vintage Inchgower Private Reserve, to cheer them up, I stumble on to the west hall, as fast as I possibly can.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary