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Aunt Humperdink’s country club bars are always a lot of fun and we continue the debate in a convivial atmosphere. After a few hours of lively discussion, stepping outside, to tend to my wounds, I bump into cousin Ted. He is looking pensive and, when I ask him what the problem is, he tells me that Alexandra is ignoring him. I tell him that this should not be a surprise; Alexandra is a woman of great refinement and intelligence, whereas Ted is a debauched moron, so there’s no reason, I point out, for Alexandra to give Ted any attention in the first place.

However, Ted complains that, to make it worse, Alexandra is spending all her time with Juan, and Juan is truly horrible. I explain that, although Juan is horrible, for some peculiar reason, women find him attractive. Ted says that that is simply because Juan showers them with gold and jewellery and builds palaces for them. I tell Ted that building and outfitting Juan’s palaces keeps thousands of people in business. But Ted says that he doesn’t care, and continues to sulk, so, leaving a case of Vintage Macduff Special Reserve, to cheer him up, I return to the bar, as fast as I possibly can.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary