Because there are only two or three tartan designs belonging to clans that actually matter, there are hundreds of tartans that belong to clans that do not matter. Of these unnecessary clans, the useless Clan Johnston ranks as the clan of the least import. It is a remarkable fact that while the gallant Clan Gordon and the ever-valiant Clan Macgregor, for example, could not go a week without being deeply involved in a glorious battle, or a terrible betrayal, and the genius and heroic persistence of Clan Macduff created Duff’s Defiance, the legendary single malt; for hundreds of years, the Clan Johnston avoided glory, sacrifice, invention, or any achievement of any kind whatsoever.
Although the noble Macdonalds of Sleate still keep a few members of the Clan Johnston, as they make very good pets, the Johnstons eventually lost interest in Scotland entirely and, after generations of taking everything they could, while contributing absolutely nothing at all to wealth and culture of their home country, they moved to America, where people don’t care about such things.
I put their tartan aside, for future use as a poodle-coat, and relax with a few drams of Vintage Aberlour, Oban, Benrinnes and Mortlach Private Reserve.
Professor Humperdink’s Diary