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Clan Kennedy

I am not sure whether to recommend the Kennedy tartan to aunt Humperdink, I know she admires the Kennedy sett, but the clan hails from a particularly filthy tribe of bog-trotting Picts. Lacking battle skills, rather than fight for land, young Kennedy men traditionally increase their landholdings by marrying old women, with vast estates. Elderly women, they have discovered, are less critical of their behavior, which, in spite of having risen in society, has not improved since leaving the stinking Galloway bogs. On the one occasion a Kennedy ensnared a young bride, Lady Jean Hamilton, she was so horrified by the scandalous behavior of the revolting family, she ran away with first band of gypsies she saw.

Sadly, as everyone knows, the clan’s name is linked with tragic assassinations, most famously, those of Gregory, 2nd Earl of Cassillis, and Gilbert, 3rd Earl, although it is possible that that Gilbert was not, in fact, poisoned in Dieppe, but that, because his diet consisted primarily of porridge, haggis and whisky; when presented with gloriously variegated French cuisine, and a selection of fine French wines, his digestive system exploded. In spite of this alarming introduction, having been to introduced to finely cooked food, greed became the distinguishing characteristic of Clan Kennedy, epitomized in the personage of John, 4th Earl of Cassillis, who, in an urge to taste ever more varied flavours, rather overstepped a culinary mark by roasting the Abbot of Crossraguel.

Considering these facts, I decide not to recommend the Kennedy Clan's tartan to aunt Humperdink, throw the cloth aside, for future use as an armpit wiper, and refresh myself with vintage Laphroaig, Benrinnes, Glenmorangie and Tamdhu Private Reserve.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary