I know very little about even the most important clans, and even less about insignificant clans and, certainly, the tartan of the Clan Macmillan doesn’t ring any bells with me. I do know that individual clan members are referred to as MacMhaoilein or ‘Bald Mac’; this is a reference to the clan’s one famous chief, Mac ‘The Bald’. During their night attack at the battle of Arkaig, Mac’s head, glinting in the light of the moon, alerted the enemy to their presence, resulting in the wholesale massacre of the Macmillans. Vowing that this would not occur again, the few survivors determined that there should never be a repeat of this calamity and dedicated all their resources to the production of head paint. This industry supported the clan for some time but, when wearing wigs became the fashionable way of concealing baldness, rather than smearing the head with Macmillan’s black, sticky, stinking goo, made from herring oil and cow dung, the Macmillans, losing their income, became effectively extinct. Chucking their tartan aside, for future use as a spittoon-cleaner, I revive myself with Vintage Cragganmore, Bowmore, Glenfarclas, and Strathisla Special Reserve.
Professor Humperdink’s Diary