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The Drummonds

The next tartan is that of the diminutive Drummonds. The clan’s decline came about because their ancestor, Malcolm Beg (‘The Little’) Drummond, married Wee Ada of Lennox. Malcolm and Ada’s combined stature was the same as the average sized man so, when attending public functions, Malcolm would stand on Ada’s head. Unfortunately, Malcolm and Ada’s children, John (‘The Tiny’) and Malcolm (‘The Miniscule’) Drummond, grew to be even shorter than their parents.

From that time, the diminishing trait appeared consistently and, with every generation, the Drummonds became ever smaller until the last Chief of the Drummonds of Blair Drummond, Blair (‘The Bantam’) Drummond, fell through a crack between floorboards in his bedroom in Drummond Castle. He survived the fall, landing safely in a bowl of porridge in the kitchen below. However, when Brian climbed out of the basin he was covered in porridge and Frangag (’The Furry’) failed to recognise him and immediately attacked. The Drummonds were once a clan of great stature, but, as they have diminished to the extent that last Chief was eaten by a cat, I don’t feel I can recommend their tartan to aunt Humperdink; putting the Drummond tartan aside for later use as a toe-rag, I fortify myself for the next tartan with flasks of Vintage Bruichladdich, Glentauchers and Glenfiddich Private Reserve.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary