In great grand aunt Euphemia Humperdink’s great treatise on the subject of box pleated kilts, ‘Under the Kilt with Euphemia’ she claimed that the Clan Macdonald of Clanranald had a great hoard of gold, but they lost it when Ranald Macdonald, the only person who knew where the treasure trove was hidden, mysteriously vanished after visiting The Cheeky Monkey in Aberfeldy. However, great grand aunt says that the tartan of Clan Macdonald contains a secret message, which reveals the location of the treasure; this message, she says, can be read by folding and pattern-matching the sett in a certain way. As generations of Macdonalds have devoted their lives to hysterically folding and re-folding their kilts in the hope of cracking the code, they were particularly irritated, I remember, when Juan, in the middle of a brawl with Jamie Macdonald, noticed that Jamie’s kilt, crumpled by repeatedly being stamped on and kicked around the floor of the Cheeky Monkey, clearly spelled “Mòran taing. Mar sin leibh an dràsda.” Roughly translated as, “Thanks a lot. Ciao”.
In the sixteenth century the clan, rather foolishly, slaughtered Dougal Macdonald, their Chief, as Dougal was the last in the line of the Macdonalds of Clanranald, after his death, the clan history became somewhat muddled, to the point that the Chief of Clanranald became known as Gallda , meaning “The Stranger,” because nobody knew who he was.
Putting aside the tartan of this unremarkable clan, for future use as a doormat, I fortify myself with vintage Glentauchers, Glenfiddich, Benrinnes and Glencadam Special Reserve
Professor Humperdink’s Diary