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The road that leads to Humperdinkazuq is also, I discovered, the road that leads away from Humperdinkazuq. After travelling at high speed, in the wrong direction, my camel is exhausted, so, leaving the camel with a keg of Vintage Braes of Glenlivet, to help it recuperate, I walk back alone. Looking forward to seeing the lights and enjoying all the excitement and action of civilization, I make good progress and, after a few days, I am delighted to see Humperdinkazuq ahead. I notice, however, that, apart from the large bison, it doesn’t look quite as exciting as I imagined; nonetheless, to celebrate, I break open barrels of Vintage Auchentoshan, Miltonduff, Lochnagar and Tullibardine Private Reserve and, offering toast after toast to the health and happiness of all travellers to mysterious places, and singing ‘A Wee Drappie O't’, ‘My Bonnie Aberfeldy Lass’ and ‘Highland Mary’ at the top of my voice, I stagger towards Humperdinkazuq, as fast as I possibly can.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary