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We are delighted to discover that the new captain of The Lion is our old friend, Captain 'Fatty' Farquhar Cardno, from Buchanhavan. Farquhar is a master baker and renowned biscuit designer, so we are surprised to see him in command of a fabulously expensive, experimental, ultra secret, Agency rescue craft. Fatty says that he is equally surprised and he thinks there must be some mistake because, as a biscuit maker, he doesn't know the first thing about being the captain of a skulk ship, but Juan says that The Lion is an experimental vessel, so the Captain and crew of the ship are experimental as well. Fatty says that he doesn't want to be an experimental captain, he just wants to make biscuits, and I remind him that aunt Humperdink always selects the right person for the job, so he should have more confidence.

Juan asks Fatty where the nearest bar is and I ask him if The Lion's new experimental engine works. Fatty says that he doesn't know if the engine works, or what it does, or where it is, but he does lead us to the nearest bar and, on the way, he shows us the recently installed dough mixing machine, which he commissioned as, he says, it is necessary for the production of aunt Humperdink's new 'Highland Malt' biscuits which, with their ingredients including Vintage Tobermory, Rossbank, Tomatin and Highland Park Private Reserve, are proving very popular with the crew.

To celebrate the success of the new biscuits, and to congratulate Fatty on his promotion, Juan breaks open a barrel of his Special Reserve and we offer toast after toast to the health and happiness of all captains and bakers, then, stuffing our faces with biscuits, coughing and spluttering with excitement, we link arms and, falling down ladders, bouncing off bulkheads, and singing 'My Heart is sair for an Aberfeldy Tart', we stagger to the bar, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink's Diary