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Although we are critically behind schedule, Archie insists on stopping to paint some terns, this is irritating, but Archie says that the artist's muse takes precedent over our mission. Juan says that real art lies in subjugating creativity to higher necessity and that, if he stopped every time he wanted to doodle, nothing would ever be accomplished. Archie can't follow this line of reasoning so he refutes the argument in an artistic fashion by hitting Juan over the head with an easel. Juan retaliates by squirting tubes of paint all over Archie and Archie responds by trying to shove a paintbrush up Juan's nose. We don't have time for this kind of thing so I break up the fight by kicking sand in their faces, tell Archie to paint the terns as quickly as possible, drag Juan away by his hair and calm him down with flasks of Vintage Brackla, Aultmore, Blair Athol and Inchgower Private Reserve. However, the rumpus has frightened the terns away and Archie, grumbling and mumbling beneath his breath, tries to paint them from memory. I think he's making a fair job of it, but Juan says that the terns look stupid and, anyway, painting birds is a waste of time as, however good the painting, it will never match the real thing and, he adds, if a painting isn't of a beautiful woman, it's just a waste of paint.

I think that Juan is just jealous of Archie's talent and tell him that, unless he can do better, he should stop criticising. Juan says that of course he can do better, but he doesn't have the time and, besides, it's easier and quicker to criticise than it is to actually do anything. This is true, and explains why there are so many successful art critics and so few successful artists; however, while waiting for Archie to finish his painting, and, to prove to that we are not totally lacking in artistic sentiment, we blow up our bagpipes and, playing 'Wearing of the Green', 'Blue Bells of Scotland' and 'Aberfeldy Mary Blacked My Eye', we reel around Archie in crooked, twisted, circles, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink's Diary