Professor Humperdink III

Easy Reading

Add to Google

29.3.10

To Selborne





.
Bakulebe does not like driving trains in Britain as, he says, the signalling system and headlamp code is too complicated. This problem is made worse as his knowledge of British railways comes primarily from the writings of Euphemia Humperdink who, in certain editions of her book, 'The World's Railways and How They Work', included some deliberate errors, this, she claimed, was to confuse the enemy; nobody quite knows which enemy she was referring to, but it certainly confuses Bakulebe who, distrusting the signalling system, ignores a stop sign and ploughs into the Waterloo-Exeter-Plymouth fish express.

Badly bruised, covered with fish, and very irritated, Bakulebe refuses to carry on until Britain simplifies its railway signalling systems. This is quite reasonable, but we can't afford the delay as we are postliminiously behind schedule and, after breaking open barrels of Vintage Glenesk, Balvenie, Laphroaig, and Pulteney Founders Reserve, to help us consider the problem, we decide to send a message to aunt Humperdink to ask for her advice. The nearest agency communication centre is in Selborne so, after offering toast after toast to Bakulebe, our wonderful train driver, we blow up our bagpipes and, playing 'O For Ane An' Twenty, Tam', and 'The Weary Pund O' Tow' we stagger towards Selborne, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink's Diary

16.3.10

Leaving Gothester



.
Although we energise ourselves with Vintage Linkwood, Glen Scotia, Auchroisk, and Highland Park Private Reserve, the best we can manage is to plod slowly along. Juan claims that his motivation been destroyed by the dull, spirit-sapping, dreariness of the English winter. I point out that Scottish winters are much worse, but Juan says that it is the very fierceness of a Highland winter that makes it properly enjoyable and life enhancing, whereas the English winter is an eternally dank, grey, joyless, drudgy, sort of thing which eats into the marrow and erodes the will to live. This is true but, with a mission to accomplish, we can't allow our spirits to be lowered by the dismal weather; fortunately, our old friend, Bakulebe, is in the area, testing some of aunt Humperdink's experimental trains, and, hearing that we are fuddled and flagitiously behind schedule, he volunteers to give us a lift. This is a wonderful offer and, to celebrate, we break open barrels of Vintage Pulteney, Aberlour, Miltonduff, Clynelish, and Glendullan Private Reserve and, offering toast after toast to the coming of spring, we head down the tracks, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink's Diary

13.3.10

Gothester



.
Because the English winter is grim and depressing, we spend a couple of weeks resting and recuperating in Gothester. Unfortunately, Gothester is also grim and depressing, this requires extra recuperation, which allows very little time for resting so, now, exhausted, befuddled and loordishly behind schedule, we fortify ourselves with Vintage Lochnagar, Brackla, Bowmore, and Tamnavulin Special Reserve, and stumble on, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink's Diary