Upside down, out of control, spinning, about to crash. I remind everybody that we are slouterishly behind schedule, and cannot waste time by destroying aircraft and waiting to be rescued. Albert says that he has to get back to his laboratory in order to test a theory, he tries to tell us what the theory is, but we don’t care, George says that he wants to relax and think about his next painting. Fatty says that he wants to eat. Juan says that he needs a party. I tell Fatty that, if we ditch into the sea, at least there will be plenty of fish. Juan agrees, reminding us of the rule of fish, ‘if it doesn’t eat you, you can eat it’. Albert says that, if we crash on land, we can find a pub and have a fish dinner, George can relax, and Juan can start a party. This is a wonderful idea, but George and Fatty say that they don’t want to ditch or crash. I point out that our choices are limited. Albert says that we should bale out; Juan says that we should bale out and land near a pub. I agree with them both, reminding them of the agency maxim ‘when in doubt, bail out’; nonetheless, we have a stupid fight about the spelling of the word ‘bale’ compared to ‘bail’, and what it means, and which one you should do in an aeroplane full of water.
Juan stops the fight by reminding us that, if we fall into the sea, we will need empty barrels to float on, so we quickly finish our barrels of Vintage Glenmorangie, Glen Scotia, Aultmore, and Tullibardine Special Reserve, which Juan keeps for such occasions. We offer toast after toast to the person who invented the parachute, then, yelling “Geronimo” we leap into the air. Now, shouting with excitement and hysterical with fear, we swing down to the pub, as fast as we possibly can.
Professor Humperdink’s Diary