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20.1.11

Boars









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Lost in a forest, gouffishly behind schedule; we smell pigs in the wind. George says the smell comes from Juan, I think this is funny but Juan says that it is the smell is coming from a group of boars. I point out that we are looking for camels, so boars are no good. Fatty says that boar’s head sauce is very good. I remind Fatty that boar’s head sauce doesn’t contain boar, and I tell everyone that a group of boars is called a ‘sounder’ of boar, if they are wild. This is the only thing I know about boars, so I think it’s important and cannot understand why everyone else thinks this information is useless. Juan says that the Boar’s Head pub is wild. Fatty says that roast wild boarlets are tasty. I tell Fatty that we can’t eat any of the boars, as somebody may own them. Fatty says that, in that case, they are not wild. George points to one boar and says that it looks a bit wild. I say that this is probably because it knows Fatty wants to eat its children. Fatty hands me a diagram of a folded serviette and a serviette and says that some people think a serviette folded into the shape of a boar’s head compliments roast boar but, in fact, duplication of the meal is too obvious, and merely demonstrates a want of culture, a lazy attitude, a paltry imagination, a lack of subtlety, and contempt for the aesthetic sensibilities of the refined diner. Far better, expands Fatty, to fold a serviette slipper, it is simple, he says, it’s pleasing, and augments rather than imitates the meal. As we are waiting for a wild boar to charge at us, I think that a lecture on serviette folding entirely inappropriate but, looking at the diagram, I can’t help but remark that it does look simple. George shouts that the boar is charging and we all dive for cover.

After a while, I get bored and, to give myself something to do for a few minutes, I fold the serviette. Nineteen hours later and my slipper looks horrible, I explain at great length that, obviously, the diagram is wrong but Fatty quickly folds a smart looking slipper and says that I need more practise. This is very irritating but, before I can respond by telling Fatty that nobody in the world cares about serviettes, folded or not, our attention is diverted by the sound of an aircraft and, following the sound, we find the Agent Rescue Service has arrived with a giro-copter. This is a wonderful sight and, to celebrate, Juan breaks open barrels of Vintage Cragganmore, Lochnagar, Interleven, and Knockdhu Private Reserve, we offer toast after toast to our rescuers, drink to the wildness of boars, and dance around in circles, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary


Boar’s Head Sauce

Ingredients: Half a pint of dissolved red-currant jelly, quarter of a pint of port wine, four oranges, three lumps of sugar, one finely-chopped shallot, one mustardspoonful of mixed mustard, pepper.

Method: Shred the rind of two oranges into very fine strips, ad rub the lumps of sugar over the rinds of the remaining two. Put the rind and sugar into the liquid jelly, add the wine, shallot, mustard, and a liberal seasoning of pepper, and use as required, or the sauce may be put into well-corked bottles and stored for use.