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To Cairo

Under the command of our old friend, Captain Aodhàn Macallister, from Buchanhavan, the Agent Rescue Service takes us to aunt Humperdink’s Air Station. There, Aodhàn’s team tell us that they will arrange for Fatty to be flown back to The Lion, and say that they’ll drop George and Albert off on the way. Albert says that he does not want to be dropped off, I explain that it is just a figure of speech; it does not mean that Albert will be literally dropped out of an aeroplane. I look to Aodhàn for confirmation and Aodhàn tries to reassure Albert by saying that I am absolutely right, because Albert will be standing on the wing, so, strictly speaking, he won’t actually be inside the aeroplane, this means that he will be dropped ‘from’ an aeroplane rather than ‘out’ of an aeroplane. Albert looks horrified and shouts that he doesn’t want to be dropped from, out, or off an aeroplane, Aodhàn explains that it saves time, especially when there is nowhere to land.

Juan asks why all the clocks in the Air Station are wrong. I tell him that the clocks aren’t wrong, and try to explain the concept of time zones, but I get confused and lose interest. Fatty suggests that the clocks are showing varying times because the flight times vary, George ventures that, perhaps, you have to add all the times up, divide the time by the number of clocks and get an average time, which would be more accurate than just one clock. I tell George that you would need an infinite amount of clocks to be entirely accurate, Albert says that this is nonsense, clocks only provide a measure of time and an infinite amount of clocks would give an average time of six-o-clock. This is too muddling to think about, so we ignore him and head for the bar.

After ordering Vintage Oban, Glen Spey, Clynelish and Glenturret Special Reserve and offering toast after toast to the valiant Agent Rescue Service, I tell Aodhàn that we are gomerally behind schedule and need camels. Aodhàn says that Sergeant Khan is looking after our camels, Ipy and Kauket. This is excellent news as, although Kauket is vicious, and Ipy is nippy, they are wonderful, spirited, camels and all we have to do, Aodhàn says, is to find Sergeant Khan. Juan asks Aodhàn where we can find Sergeant Khan. Aodhàn sketches a map of Egypt and tells us to turn right at Cairo. I take the giro-copter, Juan borrows one of aunt Humperdink’s experimental aircraft, we follow the Agent Rescue Service until they drop Albert off, then, cheering and whooping with excitement, we head to Cairo, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary