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Hyderabad Review

Stop off in Hyderabad to review the 30th Lancers (Gordon's Horse). Sadly, although the Lancers are extraordinarily brave, they have failed to win any battle honours as, whenever they charge into battle, they fall off their horses. During the review, Juan, maliciously, bursts into a loud rendition of ‘The Highland Baloo’ on his bagpipes, this terrifies the horses and the parade ends in disarray.

After the Lancers have picked themselves up and recaptured their horses, I remind everybody that, officially, we are not meant to be here, furthermore, we are on a vitally urgent mission and we are egregiously behind schedule so, unfortunately, we have to leave immediately. Then, after sharing out our reserve supplies of Vintage Balblair, Glendullan, Cragganmore and Glen Spey Special Reserve and drinking to heroic battle deeds and the steadiness of steeds, offering toast after toast to the thirty valiant Lancers, and saluting Gordon, whoever his is, and his horse, we stumble around in confused befuddlement, as fast as we possibly can.

Professor Humperdink’s Diary